If Only There Were Angels: A New Cocktail to Soothe Our Aloneness

“I'm the first to admit that this world we live in is both the rock and the hard place, but even I don't rely on delusions, myths, and fabrications for salvation. The sooner we get real is the sooner we can make things better, here in this reality, where no angels or gods are going to save us.”
 —Kevin Kunundrum

“My Guardian Angle is obtuse.”
 —Kevin Kunundrum

That's the new drink above. (!!!) Here's what inspired it...

"Life need not be hard. You do not need to struggle. Guides can help you help yourself. Remember to ask, for we can only assist you when you ask for assistance. You will be helped in every area of your life. Your guide will help you acquire all the tools you need to make your life work. You are part of a larger community when you channel — the community of beings that exist in the higher planes of reality. Your harmonious feelings and thoughts greatly contribute to our work together.”


Angels are persnickety. You can't just say, ”Hey, what’re ya waiting for?” because they get miffed. But you also can’t suffer in silence, because even though they’re floating about fully aware of your plight, they won't lift an otherworldly finger unless you politely ask for their help like a good little supplicant. And apparently, once you become an angel you must then be an obedient rule follower in the Afterlife and never diverge from the plan. God has so many rules and plans, how does He keep them all straight! So I politely asked them (the angels) for help, but now they're all in my business like 24/7, telling me do this, do that, like these Celestial busy-bodies! And you can't even tell 'em to fuck off, because apparently in Heaven they literally cannot hear any bad words. So they just look at you with this blank expression and cock their heads to the side, like a dog does when you make a sound that’s beyond its ken.

And they keep leaving these feathers all over the place! Every time after they fly away I gotta sweep up and vacuum. I mean, what are they, molting? Doesn't this imply aging? But there would be no aging in the Afterlife, I mean, by definition, right? And why do they even need feathers? Does that mean that Heaven has gravity and the laws of physics? Why can't they just float around? Like Jeannie from that TV show, "I Dream of Jeannie.” She did whatever she wanted, just by thinking it. Apparently, she could create matter

from thought alone, which violated Newton’s First Law of Thermodynamics. Which is okay by me. But what did Larry Hagman's character do? He found this sexy, half-naked babe with unlimited abilities who called him “Master” and he forbade her from using her powers! What a dolt! So how did I get onto genies in a bottle? Oh yeah, because they're so much better and more efficient than angels. If only I could find a genie. Or a witch, like Samantha in "Bewitched." Come to think of it, that idiot Darrin Stephens forbade HER from using her powers as well! What’s with all these men being threatened by powerful, creative women?

So, no genies, no witches, no angels. We’re painfully on our own. And with this in mind, I offer this delightfully subtle and smooth cocktail as a momentary solace, before we go once again unto the breach…


IF ONLY THERE WERE ANGELS 1½ parts Citadelle Gin 
 ½ part Crème de Violette
 ½ part Noilly Prat Extra Dry Vermouth
 ½ part Ocean Spray White Cranberry juice
 dash of Scrappy’s Lavender bitters
 Shake over ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. 
Garnish with a Tillen Farms Rainier Reserve cherry.


Clarence was a good angel! If only...


And check out Trent Reznor's post-Industrial group "How to Destroy Angels"... How To Destroy Angels

And try these related cocktails...

No Gurus: A Cocktail of Self-Reliance to Break Beyond the Veil of Illusion

Thoughts & Prayers: A Cocktail Filled With Healing Slaw of Attraction: A Cocktail & the Ultimate Coleslaw

11:11, or What the Bleep Do You Know? Not Much!


KEVIN'S COSMIC KICKSTARTER CHALLENGE! I beseech all the angels floating about to help make my life better. AND I entreat all the demons of Hell, and in fact Satan himself to solve all my earthly problems. Whoever comes through first (and in the best way) will get my immortal soul. Let the games begin...

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