Life is undeniably difficult at times. The world out there is often oblivious to our wants and needs, and unyielding in throwing us a bone, regardless of our efforts. So it’s understandable that people would latch onto something, anything, to offer the slightest germ of hope to turn their life around. That magic mantra, word, abracadabra that only needs to be uttered with a pure heart filled with faith to achieve miracles. Yes, if only life could be reduced to such blithe simplicity. And it is at this point, I believe, where we make the fundamental mistake. Instead of throwing up our hands and saying, “I got no clue” and coming together with everyone else in our collective unknowing, we step right up to the 21st Century Snake Oil salesmen. Their New Age miracle elixirs, their bestselling secrets revealed, their ancient Shamanic
wisdom—these quantum mechanics who'll fix the broken down lemon of our life. After all, what the bleep do we know? So we say our affirmations and banish all negative thoughts and sleep with crystals sewn into our blankets and fly out to Mt. Shasta to find out if we’re actually one of the Ascended Masters. After all, it’s so much better than religion. In religion, you have to wait until the afterlife for the payoff, but in the New Age, you can get bountiful abundance right now! Whoo-hoo! It's all within our power, every one of us—even the homeless and those refugees—to transform our lives just by thinking happy thoughts! And if it doesn’t happen, well, to put it bluntly, it’s your own damn fault. You let the negativity creep in and undermine your abundance, because the Universe, as Paulo Coelho cheerfully asserts, wants us to be happy. Those starving refugees just weren’t thinking positively enough! It reminds me of this bit of graffiti that recently appeared on the brick wall opposite my favorite coffee shop, where I go each day to wrangle my myriad negative thoughts, and transform them into essays such as this…
So if the world is not on your side, it can only mean that either your faith is insufficient, or you are not true enough to the best that is in you. My question is, how do words of so little substance stay on the brick wall in the first place? But like paper, it’s not the bricks’ fault, what words an author spews forth. So we redouble, retriple, requadruple our efforts. Our
words uttered as fervent prayers to the ancient Shamans, to those spooky subatomic particles, to the Universe itself which will bend to our will, as long as we evoke the proper positivity. Which brings me to this strange, inexplicable phenomenon that happens nearly every morning on social media. 11:11. Every day, wide-eyed credulous dreamers gleefully post 11:11, as they await the cornucopia of abundance to pour forth from this divinely synchronistic moment.
There are many theories regarding this. The most popular is that when you see these numbers you must make a wish, and it will then come true. When 11:11 appears, a kind of magic window opens up in your life, and all you have to do is ask for the guidance of your angels (who frequent the ether above your head for those charmed sixty seconds). (See BLOG post: If Only There Were Angels: A New Cocktail to Soothe Our Aloneness)
So my question is, why not 7:14, or 1:23, or 12:28?
OMG!!! You know what that means! I'll tell ya! If you take the sum of the first two numbers (3) and subtract them from the sum of the second two numbers (10) you get SEVEN! Which is the universal Lucky Number. AND if you add up ALL THE NUMBERS you get THIRTEEN, which is the universal UNLUCKY NUMBER. So you see, we have a state of equilibrium between lucky and unlucky, good and evil, where reality hangs balanced on a pin point! Amazing, huh?
And in this singular moment, the angels and demons all swirl about waiting for you, the really advanced spiritual being that you are, who notices such things as 12:28, to tip the scales one way or the other. So you see the momentous import of this, and your awesome responsibility? And need I remind you of the EXACT time of Trump's inauguration? 12:28pm, EST, bitches!
That's why "the Flying Spaghetti Monster" was invented, to counteract such risible arguments as “God”, the New Age, and 11:11... Actually, my 12:28 argument holds more water than the 11:11 one. The Eleven-Eleveners contend that "it's the only time during the day when all four numbers (on the digital clock) are the same!" Um, so freaking what. So this means that the 11:11 portal to universal benevolent synchronicity only came about with the advent of digital clocks? How is this anything but preposterous? And how can we not blame the educational system for churning out such uncritical thinkers? But enough of this pseudo-science. How ‘bout some REAL Science, that of Mixology and a new drink…
1½ parts Tito’s Vodka
1 part Sloe Gin
½ part Luxardo Maraschino Liqueur
½ part Schweppes Tonic Water
½ part fresh-squeezed Lemon juice
dash of Woodford Reserve Spiced Cherry bitters
Shake everything but the Tonic over ice. Stir in Tonic,
then strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with
a lemon twist.
And click on the link below to read an interview with the theoretical physicist, cosmologist, and renowned skeptic, Lawrence Krauss…
“How to Spot Quantum Quackery”
And try these other related cocktails...
No Gurus: A Cocktail of Self-Reliance to Break Beyond the Veil of Illusion
Thoughts & Prayers: A Cocktail Filled With Healing
Slaw of Attraction: A Cocktail & the Ultimate Coleslaw