Slaw of Attraction: A Cocktail & the Ultimate Coleslaw
White people manifesting abundance.
With summer right around the corner, it’s time to start planning for those picnics, backyard parties, family reunions, and the main event, the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs! Or if you’re a vegetarian: veggie burgers and Tofurky. Or if you’re a vegan: a rice cake. And then of course, that summer staple: side salads. Potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans, and my personal favorite, coleslaw. Do not underestimate the importance of side salads, especially coleslaw, as the wrong choice can mean disaster, and make you the laughing stock of the Suburbs! Thankfully, Science has come to the rescue. Cole’s Law (named for Graham Chapman Cole, the inventor of both mayonnaise and sandwich spread) specifies the exact amounts of sour cream, mayonnaise, and vinegar (as well as the many lesser ingredients) to use in preparing Cole’s namesake “coleslaw”, as well as the precise lengths of the chopped cabbage and carrots. Too long, and it feels like grazing. Too short, and it’s like regurgitation. Unfortunately, many of us today have no time to actually cook for ourselves, so we go to the store, to the deli section, where pre-made side salads abound. But then, as we gaze at the bounty of potato salad, macaroni salad, and coleslaw, not to mention chicken, ham, and tuna salad, we can easily become overwhelmed. How to pick the right ones, as the fate of our backyard gathering, as well as our suburban street cred, hangs in the balance. For this, I suggest using the titular Slaw of Attraction. Since all things are connected at the sub-atomic level (because of our deep understanding of Quantum Physics), we know intrinsically (or is it extrinsically) which side salad will be The One. Don’t be fooled by
outward appearance and superficial freshness. That Amish potato salad looks good, but when we take a bite, it tastes like a starchy Mennonite’s bath towel. Those baked beans look delectable, but then we find that the beans are undercooked and remind us of insect exoskeletons, like from that street vendor in Thailand that time when we… But that’s another story. So close your eyes and feel the connection between your own molecules and those of the side salads. And if you can let yourself go, while simultaneously being filled with deliberate intention and selfless acceptance, the Universe will smile upon you and the best choices will be revealed.
But don’t confuse this with the so-called “Law of Attraction” that has been the subject of many dubious best-sellers and New Age Ponzi scams. This is not even a real law. Ha! In fact, there’s zero Science behind it. It’s nothing more than privileged, entitled egomaniacs who expect the Universe to bend to their will and give them lots of abundance in the form of money, houses, cars, and beautiful lovers, not to mention side salads, simply by wishing for it and presuming it will happen. Ha again! But any thinking person realizes its utter preposterousness and they reject it out of hand. Which brings us back to that summer
get-together. Armed with side salads to die for, you smile in anticipation as you place them on the picnic table. But free of ego, you brim with gratitude for the Slaw of Attraction, as you hear from one delighted guest after the next, “That’s damn good coleslaw!” Today’s drink is unusual, fragrant, hot and spicy, with a kick from the Tabasco sauce. And while it tastes nothing like coleslaw, it does give it a subtle nod with that splash of cocktail vinegar.
SLAW OF ATTRACTION 1½ parts Bulleit Bourbon ½ part Bénédictine ½ part Averna ½ part Campari dash of Tabasco Sauce (optional) dash of Angostura bitters splash of Shrub District Cranberry Juniper Cocktail Vinegar Stir vigorously over ice. Strain into a tumbler without ice. Garnish with a Mandarin Orange peel.
"I have to go to this place called Vietnam."
And try these other related cocktails!