“Love’s a sucker’s bet.”
—Sky Jack Morgan, Las Vegas
“Dating is heinous.”
“The oldest myth running—love. A fiction created by people to keep them from jumping out of windows.”
—Gordon Gekko, Wall Street
If you’re single in the 21st Century, there comes a point when you think it must’ve been easier for the Allies to plan the Normandy Invasion, than it is for two people to meet for coffee this Friday afternoon. And if you do somehow make it to the same place at the same time and sit opposite each other behind your coffee of choice (me: Double Espresso. her: Decaf Soy Latte with Caramel Drizzle… Eww!), you realize that instead of a date (in the sense of two people meeting to talk and laugh and casually get to know each other) this is more like the vetting process of a Supreme Court nominee. Each person brings along their extensive checklist. And as in a job interview with high-level, top-secret security clearance, you ask each other pointed, loaded questions (yes, the gun allusion was deliberate). After each answer, you mentally check off another box on the list. And as the interview (some might say interrogation) continues, you wonder which column has more check marks: Soulmate or Psychopath.
Dating ain’t what it used to be. Nor are relationships. Which is ironic, since over 50% of marriages end in divorce, you’d think people would have a more live-and-let-live attitude, since it comes down to a coin flip. But no! They leave no nit unpicked in their quest for that pink, sparkly, rainbow-colored unicorn which is the perfect man, the perfect woman. And granted, we all have our idiosyncrasies, our peccadilloes, our personal prejudices that we can’t abide. Like chewing with your mouth open and wearing Crocs or Birkenstocks and making any meals with tempeh. Deal-breakers for me! And while they might seem insignificant, they may just shine a light on a deeper issue: that someone who chews with their mouth open and wears Crocs or Birkenstocks and likes tempeh may in fact be a Psychopath. We all have that which sets us off. Likewise, there are those little things barely noticed that make our
heart sing and those butterflies dance in our stomach. Like the way her mouth curls when she’s deep in thought, or that word she used that was the perfect word, or the way she treats a stray dog or a waitress. Many times, it’s the intangibles that mean the most, these things not found on any list because they’re unique to this person! And if you can recognize this, then there’s a chance you might go to that next level, where the best stuff lives. That sticky stuff called intimacy, which the more you get, the more it holds you together like glue. Without it, though, it’s just checking boxes on a list. And what this really means is that you’ve given up. You’ve resolved that you’re not going to find that special someone. You’ve tried for too long and come up empty, and you got the scars to prove it. So what do you do?
Well, I think I’ve stumbled upon the answer. Seasonal no-strings-attached superficial FLINGS! Yes! Like a Summer Fling with an end date on September 1st, to coincide with when the Nazis invaded Poland. And then a Fall Fling to conclude before Thanksgiving, so you aren't required to spend the holidays with your girlfriend or boyfriend's crazy fucking family. Then the Winter Fling (which begins after Christmas, so no gifts to worry about). And for this one you don't have to be too picky, since it's to get you through the ice, snow, and utter despair until spring, when the Winter Fling mercifully comes to an end. But then, the Spring Fling is the most disappointing of all, since you’re filled with the false hope of spring's rebirth. But when you realize the futility of hope, love’s evanescence, and the ultimate failure of relationships, you'll feel a bit better. Which lets you make it to that brand new Summer Fling, and it begins again.
1 part Braulio Amaro Alpino
1 part Stolichnaya Vodka
¼ part Licor 43
¼ part Disaronno Originale
½ part Canada Dry Club Soda
dash of Woodford Reserve Spiced Cherry bitters
Stir everything over ice. Pour into a chilled cocktail glass.
Garnish with a Tillen Farms Rainier Reserve Cherry.
"Sorry, it's time for my Fall Fling."
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